Responding to AARP - Eddie Style!

It's my first post of the year! There has been a lot happening in the world of politics, but I'm not going to write about every little things going on out there. I focus mostly on pro-life issues, constitutional rights such as freedom of speech and religion, and creation science. But I couldn't pass up this one.

My birthday was on December 19th and I turned 49 years old. Then somewhat unexpectedly, only 16 days later, IT came in the mail. IT is the dreaded AARP membership letter. Honestly I could care less about my age and even if there was a brief wince when I saw the letter, that quickly subsided because I know AARP could care less about the age of their members. They want the membership dues and to sell seniors medicare gap insurance. It's money that drives them.

If you keep up with politics you know AARP is a very left leaning organization. I'm not going to go into all of the facts of this, you can do the research and decide for yourself. For me though, I would never join this organization. So when I received the membership letter I knew right away that this deserved more than just tearing it up and tossing it! So I thought I would document how to do it Eddie style.

Ah yes, the dreaded letter.



The contents. The membership form showing all of the sweet benefits, the coveted AARP membership card and of course the postage paid return envelop.



Here is what they will receive when they open the envelop. The AARP card meticulously cut into strips and a heart felt note from (tee-hee) moi.



And it comes back to them in the same unsuspecting way they sent it to me. Postage paid.

What's The Problem? Kids Do This Stuff All The Time

Before watching this video wrap duck tape around your head to prevent it FROM EXPLODING!!!!

If you get an error saying the video is not available click this link.



I don't even know where to start:

1. First - Hey Mom holding that pillow or blanket or whatever it is over your mid-section doesn't hide the fact you have a weight problem. Moron!
2. "[My] Biggest concern was him being out there, getting kidnapped, getting run over, the alcohol, having to have his stomach pumped." - My biggest concern is that YOU are a moron and has custody of a child!
3. "He runs away trying to find his father. He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that's where his daddy is." - SHOCKER!
4. Speaking of the beer the child got a hold of, "He got it out of my father's cooler in the back and how he got it open I don't understand because it was one of those tab beers." - Yes those "tab beers" are so mentally challenging for us we're not sure HOW a 4 year old could figure it out! He must be like super-freaky smart.
5. "Going to the neighbor's house and taking their presents, very embarrassing," - Embarrassing for who? MORON!!!
6. "Kids do things like this and it's out of your control, you can do the best you can as a mother, everyone makes mistakes, it was an honest mistake," - WHAT?!! Kids do things like this?! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

And if that's not bad enough, I read that Child Protective Services is going to let her keep the kid. What does it take? Let's see:

• Mom is a moron (opening a "tab" beer is like on the order of completing a Rubik cube)- check
• Dad likes drinking in the streets and is well known to do so by his kid - check
• Dad's now in jail - check
• Mom's father leaves unsupervised beer in cooler out back that is easily assessable by children - check
• Child skilled at disarming safety devices on door knobs - check
• Home not secure enough at 2:00 am to prevent a child from getting out into the streets - check
• Child is known to want to get into trouble, drinks alcohol, is adept at breaking and entering, theft and enjoys a little cross dressing - check
• Mom is too stupid to know that this not only really dangerous behavior, but seems to not even understand it is ALL HER FAULT. CHECK!!!

Beer, Guns and Making Good On A Bet

Question: What's the last thing said before someone called 9-1-1?
Answer: Hold my beer and watch this!

Halloween. Obama Style

This idea isn't originally mine, but I have vastly improved on the idea. Kinda like BASF.

I wish I thought of posting this before Halloween, but I will try and remember this for next year...unless net neutrality is in place. In that case, the government will have shut down my blog by then.

After your children return from trick or treating have them dump out their candy on a table or counter top in front of them:

1. Look to see if one of your children has more candy than the other child(ren). If this is the case take from the ones who have more and give it to the ones who have less. Explain to them that this is known as redistribution of wealth, oops I mean "candy", and it is better for everyone.

Note 1: The one with the most "candy" will probably complain. To overcome this explain to them sometimes change isn't easy. If they still complain simply point at them and in a loud voice yell "RACIST!"...No I mean call them a big fat meanie.

Note 2: The following Halloween it will not be unusual if one or more of your kids figure out it would be better if they just stay home and not go trick or treating at all. After all they will benefit off of their siblings who do go out and work..ah err....I mean "trick or treat" for it.

2. After the wealth, darn it! I mean the "candy" (sorry), is redistributed take 40% from the one who originally had the most and 20% from the other child(ren). If one of the children did not go trick or treating, do not take away anything, but rather give them 10% more from the 40%/20% you took, I mean "collected" from the other children. Explain to them that this is how fair taxation works.

Note 3: Most of the kids will not like this, especially the ones that did work..[pause]..I mean go out and trick or treat for it. If this happens simply stop talking to them and every time they complain punish them by taking away freedoms... ha, did I say freedoms? No, I meant "privileges".

Note 4: The child that did not go out and "trick or treat" and benefited from the work of the others will develop an undying devotion to you. They will worship you and sing songs about you. You can use them to stifle and intimidate the other citizens.....ummmm I mean "children".

3. Take the remaining wealth (darn it I did it again), I mean "candy" and use it for yourself as you see fit, but not in a way that your children benefit from. But rather in a way that will hurt them in the long run all in the name of "fairness".

Yes we can.

Doin' Laundry - Get a Peace Prize!

Classic Crowder. Hilarious!

Appreciate This You Noncontributing Zero

"It's going to space!"...hilarious!

California Knows How To Grow'm

I....ummmm..someone should say something.......

My Day of Team Building

I am providing this on my blog for people who do not follow me on Facebook, also because it’s just too many words. While on my blog read some of the articles I’ve written and comment!!!! Readers and comments motivate me.

Here is the saga of my work department’s day of “Team Building”

About a week ago my boss announced a half day of “team building”. No query of what we would be doing, the decision was made. We were going to play golf! Right away I thought to myself who would want to go back to work after a morning of golf? Silly me, we weren’t going to start first thing in the morning. Nooooo. Tee time? 1:00 pm in the afternoon….in July….in Texas. It’s been over 100 degrees practically every day for the last 3 weeks or so, and it aint a dry heat folks.

I raised my hand and said “I vote for bowling”. All the macho golfer blowhards looked at me like I just blasphemed. I didn’t know golf was so popular among my colleagues, so what could I do. I mean hey, being out of the office can’t be all that bad, right?

I’d like to pause to thank all those who followed my updates on Facebook, especially Sheri Coulter, you made it fun! Thanks.

So this morning I did some work from home and left the house at about 11:15. I needed to stop by Walmart and buy some golf balls and tees. I arrived at the course at about 12:00 noon. Some others were also just arriving so we milled around until everyone got there. I don’t have golf clubs so I had to rent them.

Doodaloo-doodaloo-doodaloo ----this is the going back in time sequence….In 1984 I played my last serious attempt at golf and ended up throwing my clubs in a pond. You might find them somewhere on the golf course in Portland, Maine.

Anyway, back to me going to get my club rentals which my boss graciously reserved for me. That is when I think the farce of this whole “team building” idea was revealed. Now my attempt at a Master Card commercial:

Golf balls and Tees at Walmart - $10.50
Club Rental - $27
Greens Fees and cart rental - $55
Finding out your cheap a$$ boss made you pay $92.50 for a mandatory day of “team building” in hell – PRICELESS.

Can you believe that? I thought this was a company sponsored day of “team building”!

The next big surprise was who I got teamed up with. One guy from our office, who I’ll call The Big-A (the A doesn’t stand for what you might be thinking. His name starts with A) and two other guys who work for one of our vendors. The Big-A happens to work daily with these guys so I was kinda the odd man out right from the start. But no biggie, right? Wrong. These guys are “serious” golfers, and the first thing they asked me after introductions was, “So, how often do you get out?” obviously meaning how often do I get out to play golf. I answered, “Well…on average….each month? I’d say zero point zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero-zero [pause for thinking] zero-zero-zero-zero…..zero-two times per month.”

At the first hole The Big-A tees up at the “Pro” tee. You see there are different spots to tee up your ball on each hole. The black tee is the pro tee, the blue is the standard tee the white is the women’s tee (I may have gotten the other two colors wrong so I’m admitting that now for all you “serious” golfers out there). I get ready to tee off second so I tee up on the black tee. The Big-A and the two other “serious” golfers, start convincing me to tee off from the blue tee, not the precious black tee. When I ask why, the Big-A answers, “Well I shoot in the 70s.” Is that actually an answer? Whatever, I go to the blue tee, and shank it. I could hear them grumbling behind me.

Holes 2 through 9 are pretty much the same and the heat, oh my! I am slathered with sun block, and by hole #9 I have drunk 2 liters of water and have not had any hint of needing to go pee. It’s like 178 degrees out, but I am determined.

Now to a couple of things The Big-A did.

#1 - As we were approaching the 9th hole, The Big-A called the boss who was a few holes behind us. Now understand I’m IN the golf cart with The Big-A. Here is the exchange:

The Big-A: Hi boss, how’s your game?
The Boss: Oh not too bad. What’s up?
The Big-A: Uh-huh. Hey if you want to skip a few holes meet us at the 9th and you and Ed can swap teams.
The Boss: No that’s ok.
The Big-A: Ok see you in the bar. (hangs up phone) [pause] The Big-A says nothing.
Ed: (looking right at The Big-A) Yah, none taken.

#2 – The “serious” golfers are getting upset with me because I insist on playing every hole and taking as many shots as it takes to get the ball to go in that little hole. The Big-A, in a moment of obvious compassion, tells the other two “serious” golfers (again with me standing right there among them!) that at the 14th hole he’s going to swing by the clubhouse and drop me off because obviously I am tired. That actually made me slightly mad. I responded by telling The Big-A to keep his yap shut because he doesn’t speak for me. I’m playing every hole and taking as many shots as I can get for my $93 of hell golf. Now hit the ball.

Funny things that happened:

A squirrel tried to hump my golf ball.

On the 12th hole I hit a drive and it ricocheted off a tree and landed on the green….the green of the 13th hole.

I hit a 350 yard drive! It went 328 yards straight up and landed 22 yards in front of me.

While the Big-A was taking a shot I poured some water on his seat in the golf cart. He didn’t know and I kept chuckling at the wet spot on his rump.

I took 7 shots to try and get out of one of those sand things that the “serious” golfers call bunkers or sand traps. I took big whacks with sand flying all over the place. The funny thing about it was that the Big-A told me how I could break a club by hitting the sand so hard. That’s when I told him I was using HIS sand wedge because my rentals didn’t come with one.

That’s about it. Golf isn’t my game, but life is. I love life and I love God. Thank you God for my life.



The Big-A (left) and The Boss (right)

Hmmmmm...

Nuance.

Pray On!

Top 10 Tips For a Better Community Garden

#10 - If no rototiller is available, just do donuts with your car to loosen the soil.
#9 - Obtain "starter plants" by raiding outdoor cafe flower pots.
#8 - For residents that aren't into gardening, try installing vending machines.
#7 - Don't allow local pot heads to plant pizza slices as there is no such thing as a pizza tree.
#6 - If someone plants a flesh-eating plant, kill it before it has babies and takes over the neighborhood.
#5 - Allot adjacent spaces, one to a working class immigrant family who actually need the food they grow and the other to an affluent organic gardener opposed to non-native plant species; sit back and watch the class conflict grow and flourish.
#4 - Ignore the "fruitcake" and "fairy" comments being yelled at you.
#3 - Let the ugly dowdy people take the lead on the project.
#2 - Never eat the vegetables grown in your community garden. Are you kidding? That plot of dirt used to be the parking lot for the public works truck fleet.

...and the #1 tip for a better community garden...

Although bobcat urine is a good method to repel rodents that eat vegetables, it will also turn your garden into a place overrun with volatile, dangerous bobcats.

You're welcome.

A Side Track

OK, again this is not my usual topic, but sometimes I can't resist. I am convinced that our nation is slowly but surely becoming a socialistic society and our citizenry is OK with that and wants it to be that way. In this video we can see the difference between capitalism and socialism.

Do you want the socialist method in which the government taxes you more and then provides us with a poorer quality product for less (or even free), or do you want the capitalist method where there is open competition and the customer decides with our purchasing power who will survive?

Ummm...Uh-Oh

This Is Why We're Fat #3

Hot dog with twinkies for buns covered in Cheese Wiz.

Yes We Can!

I like this guy. His name is Steven Crowder and he does a great job at using his comedic talent to speak his mind on the issues. You can search his name on YouTube and watch many more. The one he has knocking PETA is hilarious!

This Is Why We're Fat #2

Sloppy Joe on a Glazed Krispy Creme:

This Is Why We're Fat #1

I'm starting a new series today and will post follow ups from time to time. So, whithout further delay, here is Why We're Fat #1:

Junk Food Pizza - Large meat pizza covered with potato skins, mozzarella sticks, mini taco’s, jalapeño poppers and onion rings.

A Crystal Ball Into The Future

Here is a futuristic glimpse at a newscast from lets say, um, 2021. Although the clip is comedy, I see it as a possibility, so let me go with it...

Imagine if you will; it's the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. The wacko conspiracy folks along with the Hollywood "I pledge crowd" have continued propagating their lunacy over the past 20 years until a vast majority of the country actually believes the 9/11 attacks were committed by the U.S. government and not Al Qaeda terrorists. Al Qaeda, which is now the governing authority over the new nation of The Islamic Republic of Iranaqseria Al Palestine. The Islamic Republic of Iranaqseria Al Palestine came into power after all US forces were removed from the middle-east in late 2009 and after the nuclear attack on Israel. Well Al Qaeda is now upset because they want credit for attacking the US, but the Socialist pig-dog Americans are taking all the credit!



"A lie told often enough becomes truth” - Vladimir Lenin

Ties

Sometimes I have to wear a tie. I like the way they look, but they are not comfortable for me to wear and I only wear them if I have to.

A new fashion trend has women wearing ties. But, when it comes down to it, I think it looks terrible on a woman. Am I a chauvinist?

1975?

Ok, so my posts tend to be on the serious side. To show those of you who don't know me that I am truly a clown at heart, here is something I hope you enjoy. The good thing about blogs is that you never know where they’ll take you.

This week I faced the long overdue, inevitable, arduous, humbling task of buying new jeans. The last time I bought jeans was probably 10 years ago and they (all 2 pairs) have finally reached a stage that every 16 year old envied. Many people told me that at least it was good that I still fit in them after 10 years, but I understand the miracle of jeans where they tend to stretch “with you” over time.

The first store I went into was the Gap because that is where I always bought jeans before. The main reason for my loyalty to the Gap was because their jeans do not advertise the waist size on a big exposed tag right over my right rear pocket (take note of this Levi Strauss and Co.!). As I entered the Gap for the first time in a decade, I noticed that they are no longer the store I remember. This makes sense because I don’t understand teenagers and the Gap clearly evolved right along with the age group. It took all of about 5 minutes for me to walk out of the Gap thinking, “Great, now what?”

Next stop, a store that I could go to and not stand out like..well, like Ed at a Young Jeezy concert; Dillards. Once in Dillards I was faced with a huge wall of, yes, Levis. Ugh. Will I have to pay $35 per pair for the privilege of advertising my waist size to the world? I tried on a few and thought, “Well, I’m in a mall. I’ll shop around a little”.

Here is where the blog takes you somewhere you didn’t expect…As I walked through the mall I passed a store I hadn’t been in since Jimmy Carter was president; JC Penney. Nothing says “Shop here if for no other reason that you are not cool any more” like JC Penney. And yes, I bought two pair of jeans at a great price and they fit! So, to honor JC Penney (MY new store for jeans), let’s take a trip down memory lane and visit the JC Penney catalog from 1975. Enjoy.

let the teasing begin:

What you wore when you wanted to be beat up at school:

What you wore when you wanted to be beat up around the neighborhood: (The catalog had lots of men and women in matching outfits. Evidently that was popular in 1975)

What you wore when you wanted to be beat up ate the gym:

What you wore if you are a white guy and want to get beat up while out for the evening: (JC Penney was going for the Super Fly look)

What you wore when you wanted to get beat up at the office: (Man Mates...hmmmm)

Here are some of those matching outfits I mentioned:

Chips, Ace? Don't mind if I do Gary.......